Ooo Ooo Ooo Aaa Aaa Aaa Apocalypse

I’ve never been very motivated one way or the other about medical experimentation on primates. I eat meat and use drugs, so I figure any resentment of animal testing would be rather hypocritical. Turns out I was an ass.

Everybody expected the Singularity to come from networking a bunch of computers together—one of those cases where a quantitative change hits a threshold and becomes a qualitative change. Nobody had their eye on Cai Houzi’s monkey-networking lab at Chengdu University of Technology. You know the old joke, “nine women, one month, one baby?” Well, it turns out rhesus monkeys actually work like that. Every time Cai’s monkeys failed a Turing test, she and her students simply added another monkey. She’s not sure at what point the meta-monkey began failing on purpose. “I guess we thought monkey humor would resemble human humor. Now we’ll never know for sure,” she says. CCTV footage shows the networked monkeys packing up the networking equipment, the spare monkeys, the remaining supplies of monkey chow and one napping graduate student and walking out the lab’s front door. All of the University’s other CCTV cameras were found disabled the next morning. Cai is in custody, though she denies any wrongdoing. No word from the monkeys.

Image CC-BY-NC-SA by Dey

Inspected by 9973 and verified false at time of posting.

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