Startling Adventures

My story Dutchman appears in Startling Adventures Magazine #2: Revenge of the Aztec Robot Zombies from Outer Space! alongside great stories and illustrations by Anthony Abelaye, Mo Ali, M. M. Izidoro, Joel Jenkins, Kek-w, Rod McKie, Jo Qatana, Jonathan Wallace and Daniel Leal Werneck.

Buy Startling Adventures from Amazon for $6.66!

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Rejection Issues

Once they got the rejection issues fixed, several things happened:

  1. Pet taxidermy disappeared entirely. When my aunt Stephanie concluded her cat Tiger was near the end, she had Tiger appended to her (Stephanie’s) left shoulder, and supplied Tiger with blood from her own heart thereafter. This fell into a grey area in the dress code at Stephanie’s office.
  2. A small number of insecure men had their torsos grafted onto stallions. At that point the men were really hung, but they were no longer to the taste of most of the available women.
  3. A subset of vegetarians went fully ruminant, their abdomens crowded with extra stomachs, their manner laconic, their mouths full of cud.

Image CC-BY-NC-SA by kelseyfrost

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Scary Monsters

  1. Zombie
  2. Vampire
  3. Werewolf
  4. Deznădejde: All hope bleeds away.
  5. невежество: You are forever marked. Everyone can see it but you.
  6. पागलपन: You shake with fear but are blind to the true danger.
  7. დამბლა: You see the danger clearly but are unable to save yourself.
  8. Ussid: You weaken until you are easy prey.
  9. Carrier: You go on as before but doom anyone who comes near.
  10. Gabim: You smile as you commit the single error that determines the rest of your life.

Image CC-BY by Mark D. Martin

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10 Things I Hate About Monkeys

On May 1, 1979, seventeen capuchin monkeys escaped from a lab in Morehouse Parish, Louisiana. The monkeys thrived, and there are now an estimated 10,000 capuchins living in Felsenthal National Wildlife Refuge in southern Arkansas.

  1. They steal my beer. I installed window locks, and they broke the windows. I installed bars, and they broke into Mac McCuller’s garage and stole his angle grinder. I left out poison bait for them, and they burned down my truck. Continue reading
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Dandan Mian

It’s Huajiao Week around here, mostly because I bought a big sack the last time I was in Penzeys. If you haven’t tried huajiao, then you’re in a similar position to someone who has never tasted chili: there’s a whole color missing from your life. Huajiao doesn’t do the chili thing to your tongue; it does a whole other thing. Tingly.

I threw a handful of un-crushed huajiao into this dish the first time around. Eating it was an unpleasant experience in the same way that crunching up whole peppercorns is unpleasant. Wrong texture. Flavor too concentrated. Pound up the huajiao with the flat of a bottle or something first.

Dandan are the buckets in the picture, out of which Chengdu street-vendors evidently once sold these noodles. I haven’t ever been served street food out of a rig like that, although Wikipedia says taho vendors carry their taho this way. (I am now imagining Minnesota children running into the street when they hear the taho truck. Tahoooooô!)

Dandan Mian (enough for four moderate-sized servings?)

1/2 pound noodles
2 tablespoons peanut butter
1 sloppy tablespoon chili-garlic
2 good glugs soy sauce
1 glug sesame oil
small handful crushed huajiao
crushed peanuts and/or sesame seeds and/or browned ground pork and/or green onions for garnish

Cook the noodles and stir them up with all the sauce ingredients. Dump or glug more of whatever to get the flavor balance the way you want it. If you make it too bland it will fail to concentrate the mind, and then what’s the point? Serve into bowls. Garnish with whatever. Eat some refrigerator pickles on the side to cut the mala if you need to.

Adapted by me from this most excellent page by @brucetindall

Image CC-BY-SA by Wouter Hagens who, from his vantage in the Netherlands, has as much right to eat this stuff as Bruce and I do.

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Murmuration

An airborne pathogen is turning Majsfalt’s schoolchildren into starlings.

We could stop the epidemic by exterminating the flocks, but we can’t shoot or poison our own children!

We have been capturing them with mist nets, imprisoning them in the hockey arena and feeding them on maggots and Malt-o-Meal.

What else are we to do?

image CC-BY-NC-SA by magnetisch

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Grow Your Own

Back-to-the-land engineering graduates have largely abandoned 3D printing in favor of agricultural technomimicry, in which food crops produce novel materials and domesticated animals assemble them into farmer-specified shapes.

*Let us not forget that John Denver died at the controls of an experimental aircraft.

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