My dogs can never learn not to pull on the leash. So the first thing I did is, I drove them out to El Mirage, along with a trailered ’93 Chevy Malibu with a governor on the engine, all the seats removed and a throttle-and-steering control made of pulleys, clothesline and a chewed-in-half leash.

King drove demolition-style. There isn’t much to hit in El Mirage, but King managed to hit it. Princess, though, was a natural. She immediately split for the horizon at 17MPH. I had only put a half-pint of gas in the tank. (Like a jackass, I was using a half-pint Wild Turkey bottle to carry the gas around. When Princess took off, I pulled the flask out of my ass pocket and saluted her with a huge toast. That shit BURNS.) So she ran out of gas before she got all that far. Even still it was a long hot walk up to the Malibu. I fed her a fistful of Velveeta (her favorite) which had melted to shit in my pocket.

Next step was traffic. I belted King into the passenger side (pissed him right off), cranked the governor up to U-Haul Standard and stood back while Princess pulled out onto 395. I followed on a Yamaha 175cc dirt bike I found leaning against a dumpster in Barstow one time. Once Princess figured out to stop driving in the left-hand lane everything went pretty smooth. She waxed a gila monster I would just as soon have taken home, but most humans would have made the same mistake. She even pulled off on the shoulder when the tank ran dry. Good dog, Princess! Here, have half a cold-ass Denver Breakfast Bowl! (I gave King a burrito off the floor, even though he hadn’t done nothing but ride along.)

Anyway, then I had her drive to Furnace Creek Ranch. We all drank some Amp and then hiked into Cottonball Marsh, where I had some business to conduct with my man Snake, who, crazy fucker, keeps a floatplane in there. We got done with that and then we all drove back to San Pedro, put the Chevy back on the trailer and drove back to Minnesota (which took about eight days and cost me most of my cash on KOA’s and diesel.)

My idea was Princess could do halftime shows at the Elko NASCAR track. But my dipshit neighbor Beans filled up the tank for them last Saturday night while I was out, and now my dogs are in Tennessee.

_{Image CC-BY-SA by DanCentury}